the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize