It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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