I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
