We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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