I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
