He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
