would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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