It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
