Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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