I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
