i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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