I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
