She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
