I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
