I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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