I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
vagina is talking i cant
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
