The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
