I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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