You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
well you can't waste a boner
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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