I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize