YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
