The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
