So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
