I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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