we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Randomize
