he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
