Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
