Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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