Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
