You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
