So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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