Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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