Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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