Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just googled if crying burns calories
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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