I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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