I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
