I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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