i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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