Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just cropdusted the office
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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