In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize