i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
