My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Randomize
