It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
