I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
