she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
