8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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