I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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