Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
