I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
