Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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