I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
