She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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