haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
