put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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