Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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