If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
