I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
