sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
