Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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