well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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