If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
